Book Club Questions for Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

1.Lysa opens by acknowledging that she has sat in a counselor's office in deep relational pain and that this book was forged there, not just researched from a distance. How does knowing the author's personal struggle shape your willingness to trust what she's about to teach?

2.What is the relationship — or the pattern in relationships — that most prompted you to open this book? You don't have to name the person, but can you name the feeling it produces in you?

3.Lysa introduces the key idea that boundaries are a God idea, not a self-help concept. What assumptions or hesitations did you bring into this book about whether setting limits is spiritually legitimate?

1.Lysa argues that relationships are hard not because we're doing something wrong but because we live in a broken world where sin has fractured the design God originally intended. How does locating the problem in the Fall, rather than just in yourself or the other person, change how you feel about your situation?

2.She describes how God designed humans for connection — with Him and with each other — and how sin introduced shame, hiding, and blame into that design. Where do you see the dynamic of hiding or blame-shifting playing out in a current relationship?

3.Lysa distinguishes between the way relationships were designed to work and the way they actually work after sin enters. What is one expectation you carry into relationships that may be better suited to Eden than to the world we actually live in?

1.Lysa defines a boundary not as a wall to keep people out, but as a property line that clarifies what you are and are not responsible for. How does this definition differ from how you've heard the word used before?

2.She uses the image of a fence with a gate — something that can open and close — rather than a solid wall. How does that image change the emotional charge the word "boundary" may carry for you?

3.Galatians 6:2 says to "bear one another's burdens," and verse 5 says "each one should carry their own load." Lysa unpacks the tension between these two verses. In your own words, what distinction is she drawing between a burden and a load?

1.Lysa opens this chapter with the concept of verses being "weaponized" — used to pressure someone into tolerating harm rather than to illuminate God's truth. Has a Bible verse ever been used against you in this way? How did it affect your willingness to seek help?

2.She works through the "turn the other cheek" passage (Matthew 5:39) and argues that Jesus was not commanding passive submission to ongoing abuse. What is her interpretation of what Jesus was actually teaching in that passage? Do you find it biblically persuasive?

3.Lysa also addresses the way 1 Corinthians 13's description of love — "love bears all things, endures all things" — has been used to argue that a truly loving person never limits access or walks away. How does she distinguish between love that endures and love that enables?

1.Lysa lays out five factors to keep in mind when implementing boundaries. In your own words, list the five factors she identifies. Which one surprised you most or felt most personally relevant?

2.She emphasizes that a boundary is not a punishment or an ultimatum — it's a statement of what you will or won't do, not a demand about what the other person must do. Why does that distinction matter, practically and relationally?

3.One of the factors involves being honest about your own motivations — asking whether a boundary is being set out of fear, control, or genuine self-protection. When you think of a boundary you need to set, which motivation is most honestly driving it right now?

1.Lysa's central claim in this chapter is that access to you — your time, your emotional energy, your presence — is a gift to be given, not a right to be demanded. How does that framing land for you? Does it feel generous or guarded?

2.She talks about the difference between personal access and emotional access — someone can be physically present in your life while you wisely limit how much of your inner world they have access to. Can you think of a relationship where this distinction would be practically useful right now?

3.Proverbs 25:17 says, "Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house — too much of you, and they will hate you." What does it say about God's design for relationships that this kind of wisdom is in Scripture? Had you ever noticed this verse before?

1.Lysa draws a crucial line between a relationship that is difficult and one that is destructive. In her framework, what are the markers that signal a relationship has crossed that line? Which marker do you find most clarifying?

2.She is careful to say that most relationships go through difficult seasons without becoming destructive — and that difficulty is not, by itself, a reason to leave. How do you respond to that clarification? Does it bring relief or frustration, and why?

3.Lysa describes patterns of behavior — not just isolated incidents — as the key indicator of a destructive relationship. Think about a relationship that concerns you. Is the harmful behavior a pattern or an exception? How honest are you willing to be with yourself about that distinction?

1.Lysa acknowledges that family relationships are uniquely difficult to navigate because they carry both the deepest love and the deepest wounds. What specific family dynamic (you don't have to name names) do you find hardest to hold boundaries in, and why do you think that is?

2.She addresses the command to honor your father and mother (Ephesians 6:1–4) and unpacks what "honor" actually means — and what it doesn't mean. How does her definition of honor differ from unquestioning obedience or unlimited access?

3.Lysa notes that Genesis 2:24 — "a man shall leave his father and mother" — establishes a healthy separateness as part of God's design even within family. How does the leaving and cleaving dynamic apply beyond marriage to all adult family relationships?

1.Lysa describes a spectrum of friendships — from acquaintances to close friends to intimate soul friends — and suggests that not every person belongs in the same circle. How have you thought about the different levels of friendship in your own life? Is your inner circle too large, too small, or about right?

2.She talks about the pain of a friendship that has drifted into something one-sided — where one person is always giving and the other is always taking. Have you ever been in that dynamic? Which role have you played, and how did it end?

3.Lysa addresses the phenomenon of "frenemies" — people who present as friends but whose relationship with you is marked by competition, subtle put-downs, or jealousy. How do you discern the difference between a friend who challenges you healthily (Proverbs 27:6) and one who undermines you?

1.Lysa opens this chapter with compassion for people who feel like they've done everything "right" and the relationship still hasn't changed. What is the emotional state she's describing? Do you recognize it?

2.She walks through the Matthew 18 process — go to the person alone, then with witnesses, then involve the broader community — as a framework for exhausting relational options before giving up. Had you previously understood this passage as applicable to personal relationships, or only to formal church discipline?

3.Lysa makes the point that we cannot change another person — we can only change what we do, say, and accept. At what point does continuing to try to change someone else cross over from love into control? What is the difference?

1.Lysa distinguishes between a goodbye that is chosen (walking away from a destructive relationship) and a goodbye that is forced (death, betrayal, abandonment). What do they share emotionally, and how are they different?

2.She is careful to say that a goodbye is not always permanent — sometimes distance creates the space in which genuine change can happen. How do you hold the door open for future restoration without leaving yourself vulnerable to the same patterns?

3.Lysa talks about the guilt that almost always accompanies the decision to step away from a relationship — even when every thoughtful person in your life agrees it's the right call. Where does that guilt come from, and is it always a signal that you're doing something wrong?

1.Lysa argues that guilt — the feeling that you are doing something wrong by walking away — is often the primary thing keeping people stuck in harmful relationships long after boundaries and attempts at repair have failed. Do you agree? What is it about guilt that holds such power?

2.She distinguishes between true guilt (a Spirit-prompted awareness of actual wrongdoing) and false guilt (a conditioned response to disappointing others). Can you identify a situation where you have felt guilt that was more about others' expectations than about a genuine moral failure?

3.Lysa introduces Romans 8:1 — "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" — as a word directly to the person who feels condemned for choosing their own safety. How does the gospel address the voice of condemnation that says you are a bad person for what you're considering?

1.Lysa closes the book by looking forward — to the kind of life and relationships that become possible when you've done the hard work of establishing healthy limits. What image or description of that future life most resonated with you?

2.She is honest that healing from unhealthy relational patterns is not a straight line — it involves setbacks, old habits, and grief that resurfaces. How do you hold hope for the future without setting yourself up for discouragement when the journey isn't smooth?

3.Lysa talks about the importance of filling the space left by a harmful relationship with healthy community, good counsel, and spiritual practices that nurture the soul. What specifically would fill that space for you? What has been missing from your relational diet?

1.At the beginning of this study, you wrote down what you hoped would be different by the end. Return to that. What has changed? What hasn't — and why do you think that is?

2.Which chapter or concept from Good Boundaries and Goodbyes had the most impact on you? What about it broke through in a way that other things haven't?

3.Lysa's central thesis is that boundaries are a God idea — and that loving people well does not mean losing yourself. Has that conviction taken root in you? How would you say it back in your own words now?