Book Club Questions for Shepherding a Child's Heart

1.Tripp opens by challenging the idea that the goal of parenting is to produce well-behaved, successful children. What does he propose as the true goal of parenting, and why does the difference matter?

2.He distinguishes between addressing behavior and addressing the heart. In your own words, what is the difference? Can you think of a recent parenting moment where you focused on behavior but left the heart untouched?

3.Luke 6:43-45 is the theological backbone of Tripp's whole approach — the tree and its fruit. How does this passage reframe how you think about your child's outbursts, lies, or defiance?

1.Tripp makes the claim that behavior is never the root issue — it is always a symptom. What is the root issue, and how does he establish this from Scripture?

2.He uses the image of an iceberg — behavior is the visible tip, but the heart is the mass beneath the surface. What are some behaviors in your children (or yourself as a child) that, when you look beneath the surface, reveal something about the heart's true allegiances?

3.Tripp draws a contrast between two kinds of questions parents ask: 'What did you do?' versus 'Why did you do it?' Why is the second question so much more important for biblical parenting, and why is it also much harder to ask consistently?

1.Tripp describes children as being shaped by a variety of influences — the home, culture, peers, and the child's own sinful nature. Which of these influences do you tend to focus on most, and which do you tend to underestimate?

2.Deuteronomy 6 pictures parenting as a constant, woven-into-life activity — talking about God 'when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.' What does this vision of parenting look like practically in your family rhythms?

3.Tripp argues that parents are not neutral — they are either intentionally shaping their children's hearts toward God or they are, by default, allowing other influences to do the shaping. How does this challenge the idea that parents should stay 'hands off' and let children decide things for themselves?

1.Tripp's core claim in this chapter is that parents are always communicating, whether they intend to or not. What are some of the 'unintentional messages' that parents commonly send to their children through tone, body language, or habits?

2.He suggests that how parents respond in moments of stress or conflict communicates more about what they truly believe about God and the gospel than any formal Bible lesson. Do you agree? Can you think of a recent example in your own home?

3.Ephesians 4:29 calls us to let only words that 'build up' come out of our mouths. Tripp applies this to parenting — words of criticism, contempt, or dismissal do lasting damage to a child's sense of worth. What kinds of communication patterns in your home do you most want to change?

1.Tripp argues that parental authority is derived authority — it is delegated by God for God's purposes. How does this understanding of authority differ from authority as personal control or ownership?

2.He identifies two media of change available to parents: the exercise of authority (including discipline) and the ministry of the Word. Why does Tripp insist both are necessary? What happens when parents rely only on one?

3.Hebrews 12 describes God's discipline of his children as the expression of a Father's love, not his anger. How does this reframe the way parents should think about the discipline they administer to their own children?

1.Tripp insists that parents must not just have biblical goals but biblical methods — that the how of parenting matters as much as the what. Why might parents who have the right goals end up using the wrong methods?

2.He references 2 Timothy 3:16-17 to argue that Scripture equips us for 'every good work' — including parenting. What does it mean practically to let Scripture shape your parenting methods, rather than just your parenting values?

3.The chapter distinguishes between methods that address the fruit (behavior) and methods that address the root (heart). Which methods from your own upbringing or parenting experience aimed at the root? Which aimed only at the fruit?

1.Tripp takes the Proverbs passages about 'the rod' seriously and literally as a reference to physical discipline (spanking). What is his theological case for why the rod is a gift rather than a relic? Do you find his case persuasive? Why or why not?

2.He is careful to distinguish the biblical use of the rod from abuse. What are the key distinctions he makes — in terms of motivation, manner, and context — that separate loving discipline from harmful punishment?

3.Tripp pairs the rod with 'reproof' — verbal, heart-aimed communication. He argues that reproof without the rod produces children who are talked to but not corrected, and the rod without reproof produces children who are hurt but not instructed. Why are both necessary together?

1.Tripp argues in this chapter that communication is the means by which parents gain access to their child's heart. What does he mean, and what kinds of communication open that door versus close it?

2.He describes parents who talk at their children rather than with them — delivering monologues rather than engaging in dialogue. What is the difference, and why does it matter for shepherding the heart?

3.James 1:19 says to be 'quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.' How does this verse serve as a job description for a parent who wants to shepherd a child's heart rather than just correct behavior?

1.Tripp identifies several types of communication in this chapter — including instruction, correction, encouragement, entreaty, warning, and prayer. Which of these do you use most naturally? Which do you rarely use, and why?

2.He makes the point that many parents are heavy on correction and instruction but light on encouragement and entreaty. What is the effect on a child who rarely hears encouragement from a parent? What is the effect on their image of God?

3.Tripp describes 'entreaty' as an earnest, heartfelt appeal — not commanding or threatening but pleading with a child for the sake of their soul. Have you ever used this kind of communication with your child? What would it sound like?

1.Tripp argues that parenting must be age-appropriate — not in terms of lowering standards, but in terms of understanding what a child at a given stage can understand, respond to, and be expected to do. How does this principle guard against both under-expecting and over-expecting?

2.He describes the infant and toddler years as a time when the child is learning whether the world is trustworthy, whether authority is safe, and whether their needs will be met. How does a parent's consistency, warmth, and presence in these years lay the groundwork for spiritual receptivity later?

3.Proverbs 22:15 says 'Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.' Tripp takes this seriously — even very young children display self-will, anger, and demands for autonomy. How should this reality shape parental expectations and responses without leading to harshness?

1.Tripp describes the goal for this stage as raising children in the 'nurture and admonition of the Lord' (Ephesians 6:4, KJV). What does 'nurture' mean in this context, and how is it different from simply teaching rules?

2.The Book of Proverbs is largely a father's appeal to his son — and Tripp draws heavily on it in this chapter. What is wisdom in the biblical sense, and why is it the goal of parenting rather than mere obedience or academic success?

3.Tripp argues that children in this stage need both formal instruction (teaching them God's Word) and informal instruction (seizing the teachable moments of daily life). Which of these comes more naturally to you? Which do you neglect?

1.Tripp argues that the teenage years represent a crucial transition — the goal is no longer simply obedience to parental authority, but the internalization of values and faith. How does the parent's role need to change during this transition? What must increase, and what must decrease?

2.He warns parents against two opposite failures with teenagers: iron-fisted control that stifles growth toward independence, and hands-off permissiveness that abandons the teenager to their own unformed judgment. How do you find the narrow road between those two?

3.The parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15) hovers over this chapter — the son who demands independence, wastes everything, and comes home. Tripp uses this story to talk about how parents should respond to a teenager who is pulling away. What does the father in the parable model for parents?

1.Tripp distinguishes between correction that produces 'worldly sorrow' (shame, self-protection, behavior management) and correction that produces 'godly sorrow' (2 Corinthians 7:10) — genuine repentance and movement toward God. What does each type of correction look like in practice?

2.He argues that gospel-shaped correction always includes both the bad news (this sin is serious, it grieves God, it has consequences) and the good news (there is forgiveness, there is grace, there is a Savior). How do you hold both together without either minimizing sin or crushing the child's spirit?

3.Galatians 6:1 says that those who are 'spiritual' should restore the one who is caught in sin — gently, and with self-awareness that they too could fall. What does it look like for a parent to come to a child's sin with that kind of gentleness and self-awareness?

1.Tripp argues that God has given every child a conscience — an inner moral sense — and that good parenting works with that conscience rather than around it. What does it look like to 'appeal to the conscience' rather than simply issuing commands or applying consequences?

2.He warns that parents who always manage behavior through external pressure (rewards and punishments) actually weaken the child's conscience over time. Why? What is being lost when children only obey because of external incentives?

3.Romans 2 describes the conscience as the law written on the heart — a gift of common grace. But Tripp also acknowledges that the conscience can be hardened, misinformed, or overridden. How do parents both respect the conscience and help form it toward truth?

1.Tripp frames the entire parenting task as a journey that requires wisdom — not just knowledge of the right principles, but the Spirit-given ability to apply them in specific, complex, changing situations. How do you seek wisdom for parenting? Where do you go when you are at a loss?

2.He addresses the reality that children are different — what works with one child may not work with another. How does this reality challenge a 'one method fits all' approach, and what does it demand of parents in terms of knowing and studying each individual child?

3.James 1:5 promises wisdom to those who ask in faith. In what ways have you seen God grant you wisdom in a specific parenting situation that you could not have come up with on your own? What did that teach you about dependence?

1.Tripp addresses single parents with pastoral care and theological honesty. He acknowledges the extraordinary demands of single parenting while insisting that the biblical calling — to shepherd the heart — does not change. How is the community of faith called to help bear that weight with single parents?

2.He appeals to Psalm 68:5, where God himself is called 'a father to the fatherless.' What is the significance of this title for single-parent families? How does it offer genuine hope, not just comfort?

3.Galatians 6:2 calls believers to 'bear one another's burdens.' In what practical ways can your church or small group come alongside parents — especially those parenting alone — to share the weight of shepherding children?

1.Looking back over the whole book, which chapter or concept had the greatest impact on you? What was it about that idea that landed so deeply?

2.Tripp's central thesis is that behavior flows from the heart and that parenting must therefore aim at the heart. How has your understanding of — and commitment to — that thesis changed over the course of this study?

3.Think about a specific interaction you have had with your child since beginning this study that was different because of what you were learning. What happened? What did you do differently, and what did you observe?