Book Club Questions for Cherish

1.Thomas opens by pointing out that the traditional wedding vow distinguishes between two things: loving and cherishing. Before reading this book, did you think of those as different? How would you have defined 'cherish' prior to picking up this book?

2.Thomas suggests that many marriages are in a state of 'surviving' rather than thriving — two people going through the motions rather than genuinely delighting in each other. Be honest: which word better describes your marriage right now, and why?

3.The author argues that cherishing involves treating your spouse as someone of extraordinary, irreplaceable worth — the way you might treat a rare and precious object. What is the difference between treating something as valuable and treating it as precious? How might that distinction play out in a marriage?

1.Thomas uses the image of rings — not just wedding rings, but the rings of a tree — to talk about the layers that develop in a marriage over time. What does this image suggest about how cherishing is built (or eroded) gradually, layer by layer?

2.He distinguishes between the 'love' that brought two people together and the 'cherish' that must be cultivated over time. Why do you think so many couples invest heavily in the wedding but far less in learning to cherish once the vows are made?

3.Thomas talks about the importance of how spouses *think* about each other when they are not together — the mental habits and interior monologue that shape how we treat each other when we are together. What does your internal narrative about your spouse look like on an ordinary Tuesday?

1.Thomas argues that the gospel is the most powerful engine for cherishing a flawed spouse, because God himself loved us while we were still his enemies (Romans 5:8). Does this truth feel like motivation or like a burden right now? Why?

2.He is honest about the reality that some spouses are genuinely difficult to cherish — that they have habits, wounds, or behaviors that make tenderness hard. How do you hold together the call to cherish with the reality of a spouse's failures without either excusing the failures or abandoning the call?

3.Thomas makes the point that we often treat our spouses according to what they *deserve* rather than according to what grace would give. Where in your marriage do you see yourself operating in a 'deserve' economy rather than a 'grace' economy?

1.Thomas argues against the idea that feelings are beyond our control — that if you don't feel warmth toward your spouse, there is nothing to be done. Do you find this hopeful or naive? What is your instinctive reaction to the claim that you can use your mind to change your heart?

2.He draws on Philippians 4:8 — 'whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is lovely... think about these things' — and applies it directly to how we think about our spouses. What would it look like to apply this verse specifically to your spouse? What is true, honorable, and lovely about them that you tend to overlook?

3.Thomas introduces the idea of 'sacred memory' — deliberately recalling and rehearsing meaningful moments in your marriage to rekindle affection. Do you have a reservoir of good memories you draw on? Or do the negative moments tend to crowd out the positive ones in your mental landscape?

1.Thomas argues that a cherishing spouse is an *inspiring* spouse — someone who calls forth the best in their partner rather than dimming their potential. Think of a person in your life (not necessarily a spouse) who has made you feel truly believed in. What did they do, and what effect did it have on you?

2.He explores the idea that marriage can either be the wind beneath someone's wings or an anchor around their ankles. Honestly, which has your marriage functioned as more — a place where your spouse is freed to grow and flourish, or a place where they feel limited and unseen?

3.Thomas discusses how cherishing involves knowing your spouse's God-given gifts and calling — not projecting your own hopes onto them, but genuinely celebrating who *they* are made to be. How well do you know your spouse's deepest gifts and longings? What might you be missing?

1.Thomas argues that the way we regard our spouse's body — with delight, indifference, or criticism — is one of the most direct expressions of whether we truly cherish them. How does this frame physical intimacy differently from how our culture typically talks about it?

2.He draws on the Song of Solomon's unabashedly celebratory language about the spouse's body to make the point that delight in one's spouse is biblical and even spiritually meaningful. Does this surprise you? How does the existence of Song of Solomon shape your theology of physical intimacy in marriage?

3.Thomas is also honest about the pain that many spouses — particularly women — feel when they sense that their bodies are being criticized, compared, or found lacking. If you are in a mixed group, this may be a question for private reflection: Have you ever communicated, even subtly, that your spouse's body disappointed you? What effect do you think that has had?

1.Thomas suggests that praying regularly and specifically for your spouse is one of the most profound acts of cherishing available to you. How often and how specifically do you actually pray for your spouse? Be honest — what does your prayer life for them reveal about how you cherish them?

2.He draws on the example of Job, who regularly offered prayers and sacrifices on behalf of his children (Job 1:5), as a model of intercessory love. What would it look like to build the kind of regular, structured intercessory prayer for your spouse that Job modeled for his family?

3.Thomas makes the point that when we pray for our spouses, our own hearts are changed — we begin to see them the way God sees them, and our love and concern for them deepens. Have you experienced this? Has praying for someone ever changed how you felt about them?

1.Thomas argues that a cherishing spouse is quick to celebrate their partner — in private and in public — not just in crisis but in ordinary life. How would you describe your celebration quotient in your marriage? Are you more of an encourager or a critic by default?

2.He points to the husband in Proverbs 31 who praises his wife 'at the city gate' — the most public place in the ancient world. What is the modern equivalent of 'the city gate'? How do you speak about your spouse to your friends, family, and colleagues?

3.Thomas warns against what he calls 'leveling' — the habit of cutting your spouse down to size, often with humor or sarcasm, in front of others. Have you noticed this pattern in yourself or in couples around you? What does it reveal about how cherishing is (or isn't) operating?

1.Thomas draws the direct line between cherishing and sacrifice: you cannot truly cherish without willingness to sacrifice. Do you agree? Can you think of a relationship in which someone was 'cherished' without any self-giving on the part of the one doing the cherishing?

2.He uses Ephesians 5:25 — 'Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her' — as the defining standard for sacrificial cherishing. What did Christ's sacrifice actually cost him? And what does that standard call husbands (and wives) to consider giving up?

3.Thomas is careful to distinguish sacrificial love from martyrdom or enabling — giving up things for your spouse's genuine benefit, not simply to avoid conflict or earn their approval. Where is that line, and how do you know when 'sacrifice' has drifted into unhealthy territory?

1.Thomas argues that what we prioritize reveals what we cherish — and that many couples who claim to cherish each other have structured their lives in ways that tell a very different story. Without excusing yourself, look honestly at last week: where did your discretionary time actually go? Where does your spouse fit in the real, lived hierarchy of your attention?

2.He draws on Genesis 2:24 — 'a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife' — and points out that 'leaving' requires actually letting go of other attachments and loyalties. What attachments (family of origin, friendships, career ambitions, hobbies) have been hardest for you to 'leave' in service of your marriage?

3.Thomas discusses the particular danger of good things becoming prioritized over the marriage — ministry involvement, parenting, career advancement, even church activity. How do you discern when something genuinely good has crossed the line into a threat to your marriage's health?

1.Thomas acknowledges that there are seasons in marriage when cherishing feels not just difficult but impossible — when your spouse's behavior, health struggles, or your own emotional state make warmth feel far away. How have you experienced this in your own marriage? What did you do with it?

2.He makes an important distinction between a marriage that is struggling and a marriage that is unsafe — acknowledging that the call to cherish does not mean staying silent in the face of abuse, addiction, or ongoing betrayal. How does the call to cherish relate to the reality of hard situations requiring courageous action rather than passive endurance?

3.Thomas turns to suffering as a context for cherishing — arguing that the willingness to stay, to care, and to serve during a spouse's suffering is one of the most profound forms of cherishing available to us. Have you walked through a season of suffering with your spouse? What did you learn about yourself and about cherishing in that season?

1.Thomas argues that no couple can sustain a cherishing marriage in isolation — that the church community is meant to be the ecosystem in which marriages grow and are protected. How does your church currently support marriages? What more could it do?

2.He draws on Hebrews 13:4 — 'Let marriage be held in honor among all' — and argues that this is a communal command, not just an individual one. What does it look like for a *community* to hold marriage in honor? What habits or practices would that require?

3.Thomas is concerned that the church often treats marriage as a private matter — something between two people that the community doesn't intrude on. He argues, instead, for a culture of appropriate accountability and mutual support. Where is the line between accountability and intrusion? How do you build that kind of community without it feeling surveillance-like?

1.Looking back over the whole book, which chapter or concept hit you hardest — the one that most directly exposed something that needs to change in you? What made it land with such force?

2.Thomas's central argument is that cherishing is a practice before it is a feeling — that you can choose to cherish, and your feelings will often follow. Has this proven true in your experience over the course of this study? Have you noticed any shift in how you feel about your spouse as you have tried to cherish more intentionally?

3.When you arrived at the beginning of this study, you were asked to identify your honest hope for what it would do in your marriage. Return to that hope now. How has God answered it, surprised it, or redirected it?