Book Club Questions for I Want to Trust You, but I Don't

1.Lysa opens the book by describing trust as "the oxygen of all human relationships." What does that metaphor mean to you personally? In what relationship do you feel like the oxygen has been cut off?

2.The introduction acknowledges that after being burned, people often respond in one of two unhealthy directions — becoming either too trusting (naively dismissing red flags) or too guarded (assuming betrayal is inevitable). Which tendency do you recognize most in yourself right now, and why?

3.Lysa states that healing isn't simply about "finding better people to walk with" — it's about developing stability within yourself and with God. Why do you think that internal stability matters as much as, or more than, the quality of people around you?

1.Lysa describes the experience of sensing that "something feels off" in a relationship even when you can't point to a single dramatic event. Have you had that experience? What did it feel like, and how did you respond to it?

2.The chapter introduces the idea that our instincts about people are not random — they are often picking up on real data beneath the surface. How does that reframe the way you think about your own gut feelings? Do you tend to trust them or dismiss them?

3.Lysa is candid about her own experiences of betrayal, including within deeply personal and public relationships. What did her honesty about her own story stir up in you — did it make the material feel more accessible, or did it bring up something painful of your own?

1.Lysa presents eleven relational red flags to help readers identify why they're feeling uneasy. Before you look back at the list, which one or two flags surfaced most strongly as you read? Why did those particular ones land hardest?

2.Walk through a few of the red flags together as a group. For each one discussed, ask: Is this red flag obvious when you're inside the relationship, or does it tend to become clear only in hindsight? Why might that be?

3.Lysa emphasizes that identifying red flags is not about building a case against someone or becoming hypervigilant — it's about paying attention. How do you hold that tension in a specific relationship you're currently navigating?

1.Lysa works toward a more precise definition of trust in this chapter. In your own words, how would you now define trust differently than you might have before reading this? What nuances did the chapter add?

2.She distinguishes between trusting a person and trusting your relationship with that person. Why is that distinction important, and how might it change what you're asking for when you say you want to "rebuild trust" with someone?

3.The chapter explores how our earliest experiences with trust (or its absence) shape what we expect from relationships as adults. What did you learn about trust from your family of origin? Were promises kept? Were vulnerabilities honored?

1.Lysa makes the striking observation that we can end up having more faith in our fears coming true than in God coming through for us. Have you ever caught yourself in that pattern? What fear were you treating as a near-certainty?

2.She introduces the practice of asking "what if" questions — not to spiral into anxiety, but to process doubts honestly and redirect them toward God. How is that different from the anxious "what if" spirals most of us are familiar with?

3.The chapter explores how past betrayals condition us to anticipate future ones, even when the present situation doesn't warrant it. Can you identify a current relationship where you're bracing for a repeat of something that happened in a different relationship?

1.Lysa introduces the science behind betrayal's impact — explaining how the brain and nervous system are genuinely altered by experiences of being let down by someone you trusted. What was most surprising or validating to you about what she shared?

2.She describes how betrayal trauma can make the nervous system go into a state of chronic alert — hypervigilant, reactive, and exhausted. Do you recognize any of those physical or emotional symptoms in yourself? How long have you been carrying them?

3.Understanding that your reactions to betrayal are partly neurological — not just spiritual failures or weakness — can be both relieving and disorienting. How does that information affect your posture toward yourself and your healing process?

1.Lysa offers a list of characteristics that are necessary for trust to be genuinely rebuilt in a fractured relationship. Before reviewing the list, what would you have said are the non-negotiables for trust repair? Did her list match yours, or did it challenge your thinking?

2.She distinguishes between a relationship that can be repaired and one that might need to be released (at least for now). What criteria does she use to make that distinction, and do you find them reasonable and helpful?

3.One of the hardest truths in this chapter is that repair requires both parties to do the work — you cannot rebuild trust unilaterally. Have you ever tried to? What was the result?

1.Lysa draws a distinction between boundaries (which are meant to make relationship possible) and walls (which are meant to prevent relationship entirely). In your own experience, have you been better at one than the other? How has that played out?

2.She addresses a common misconception — that setting boundaries is selfish or unloving. How does she reframe boundaries as an act of care both for yourself and for the other person? Does that reframing resonate with you?

3.The chapter discusses what happens when we skip boundaries and go straight to walls — usually after we've been hurt multiple times without protecting ourselves. Have you done this? What does a wall in your relational life look like right now?

1.Lysa describes cynicism not as wisdom but as a wound in disguise — a protective shell that actually prevents the healing it's trying to provide. Do you agree with that characterization? What does cynicism feel like from the inside — protective, honest, exhausted, or something else?

2.She identifies how repeated disappointments can accumulate into a cynical worldview — not from one dramatic betrayal but from a thousand smaller letdowns. Can you trace the path of your own cynicism, if you have it? What was the accumulation?

3.The chapter explores the difference between healthy skepticism (a reasonable, evidence-based caution) and cynicism (a closed verdict that no new evidence can overturn). Which better describes your current posture in your hardest relationships?

1.Lysa names the question many readers are quietly asking: "If God let this happen, can He even be trusted?" What is your version of that question — the specific situation or loss that has made trusting God feel most difficult?

2.She addresses the difference between God allowing something and God approving of it or causing it. Does that distinction help you? Are there limits to how far that distinction carries in your own situation?

3.The chapter confronts the temptation to trust God only when we understand His reasoning. How is that different from actual trust? And yet — is it wrong to want to understand? How does Lysa hold those two impulses together?

1.Lysa describes how betrayal can shatter not just a relationship but a whole belief system — your assumptions about people, safety, the world, and God. What beliefs in your own life have been shaken or shattered by what you've experienced?

2.She argues that the goal isn't to put the old belief system back together exactly as it was, but to rebuild something stronger and more grounded. Why would putting it back together exactly as it was actually be a mistake?

3.The chapter focuses on what an actually stable belief system looks like — one not dependent on other people behaving well or circumstances going right. What are its foundations, according to Lysa? Which of those foundations feels most solid to you right now, and which feels most shaky?

1.Lysa draws a distinction between moving on (which can mean denying or minimizing the pain) and moving forward (which means carrying what happened while still stepping ahead). How is that distinction meaningful to you personally?

2.She addresses the pressure many people feel — from others or from themselves — to "just get over it" or to demonstrate healing on a timeline that feels foreign to their actual experience. Have you felt that pressure? Where did it come from?

3.The chapter explores what it looks like to hold grief and hope simultaneously — to be honest about loss while still believing in a future worth stepping into. Is that a posture you're currently able to inhabit? What makes it hard?

1.Lysa concludes by describing a peace that is not contingent on unpredictable people, circumstances, or experiences. What has your peace been contingent on in the past? What happens to you internally when those contingencies don't hold?

2.She makes the case that the stability you long for must ultimately be found in your relationship with God — not in getting everyone around you to behave or in circumstances finally going right. Is that genuinely good news to you, or does it feel like a consolation prize? Be honest.

3.The chapter brings the book full circle — from the exhaustion of living at the mercy of others' choices to the freedom of being anchored in something unshakeable. Where do you see yourself on that spectrum now, compared to when you started the book?

1.Looking back at the entire book, which chapter or concept had the most significant impact on you — the one that genuinely shifted something in how you think or feel? What made it land so hard?

2.At the beginning of this study, you named a relationship or a situation where trust had been broken. How has your perspective on that situation changed over these weeks? Not necessarily resolved — but shifted, softened, clarified, or deepened?

3.Lysa's central argument is that the stability you need must come from within — from your identity and your relationship with God — rather than from getting other people to behave. Has that argument actually changed the way you're living? Where do you see evidence of that shift?