Book Club Questions for Passion and Purity

1.Elliot describes herself as a woman with "strong feelings" who is writing for others who also have strong feelings. What does she say she is NOT doing — and what is she actually trying to accomplish in this book?

2.She argues that the modern world offers two bad options for handling desire: repression or indulgence. In your own words, what is wrong with each approach, and what is the third way she proposes?

3.How does Elliot use the phrase "offering up" a desire? What does she mean by it, and why does she think it matters whether we use that language versus simply "giving up" a desire?

1.Elliot argues that "waiting" is not passive but active — it is a form of loving. How does she make that case? Do you find it convincing?

2.She draws a sharp distinction between love and lust, arguing that lust is fundamentally about taking while love is fundamentally about giving. Where do you see that distinction playing out in real relationships you know or have had?

3.The phrase "do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:7) appears in these chapters. What does Elliot say this means in practical terms? What kinds of behaviors or situations does she suggest "awaken" love prematurely?

1.Elliot herself experienced prolonged singleness (and later, widowhood). How does her lived experience shape the tone of her counsel in these chapters? Does she sound sympathetic, or does she seem to minimize the pain of unwanted singleness?

2.She argues that the desire for marriage is good and God-given, but that it must be subordinated to the desire for God. How is that different from saying "Just focus on God and stop thinking about marriage"?

3.Elliot addresses a question many singles ask: "Will God take away my desire for marriage if I'm never meant to marry?" What is her answer? Do you find it comforting or unsatisfying, and why?

1.How does Elliot define integrity in the context of relationships? How is her definition broader than simply "not lying"?

2.She addresses the painful situation of unrequited feelings — loving someone who does not love you back. What counsel does she give? And what does she say about the temptation to "manage" the other person's feelings toward you?

3.Elliot is critical of the way people send mixed signals — giving romantic attention without romantic commitment. She calls this a form of dishonesty. Do you agree? What does it cost the person on the receiving end?

1.What does Elliot mean by "honor" in the context of a romantic relationship? How is it different from simply respecting someone?

2.She argues that men, in particular, are called to honor women — to treat them not as objects of desire or conquest, but as bearers of God's image. How does the surrounding culture make this harder? How does the church sometimes fail to model it?

3.Elliot addresses the question: "Why should a man still be expected to initiate romance?" What is her answer? Do you agree with her reasoning, or do you find it culturally dated?

1.What strikes you most about the letters between Jim and Elisabeth? What do they reveal about the nature of their love and their shared commitment to God?

2.Elliot describes the discipline of desire — the practice of choosing not to fantasize, not to pursue, not to manufacture what must be given as a gift. What does she say makes this discipline possible? What makes it so hard?

3.She distinguishes between longing that draws us toward God and longing that pulls us away from Him. How do you tell the difference in your own experience?

1.Why does Elliot think commitment has become so frightening in contemporary culture? What has changed culturally, and what are the spiritual roots of the fear?

2.She draws on the story of Ruth — "where you go I will go" — as a picture of the kind of whole-hearted, cost-counting commitment she is describing. What makes Ruth's commitment remarkable, and how does it contrast with how people typically approach romantic relationships today?

3.Elliot argues that commitment is not a feeling but a decision — and that the decision must precede, and often produce, the feeling. How does that sequencing challenge the common belief that we should only commit when we feel certain?

1.How does Elliot's theology of the body differ from both Victorian prudishness (the body is bad) and modern permissiveness (the body is neutral)? What is her actual view?

2.She argues that physical intimacy is designed to say something — to make a declaration that belongs only inside a covenant. What does sex say, according to Elliot? And what happens when that declaration is made outside of covenant?

3.1 Corinthians 6 teaches that the body is "a temple of the Holy Spirit" — not your own, but bought with a price. How does that ownership change the way you think about sexual decisions? Does it feel liberating or constraining, and why?

1.What does Elliot say about the relationship between trusting God and understanding His ways? Does she think we need to understand before we can trust?

2.She describes periods when Jim seemed to pull back from the relationship without clear explanation — and the agony of not knowing what that meant. How did she respond, and what does her response model for us?

3."My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways" (Isaiah 55:8). Elliot uses this passage not as a conversation-stopper but as a foundation for trust. How does the incomprehensibility of God's ways become a comfort rather than a frustration for her?

1.What do the reader letters that Elliot responds to reveal about the kinds of struggles most common among people trying to live out the principles she describes? Do any of them sound like a question you have asked?

2.One common thread in the letters is the pain of loving someone who does not love you back, or who loves you differently than you love them. What counsel does Elliot offer? Is it sufficient, in your view?

3.The true stories Elliot includes show that the path of surrender and purity does not always lead to marriage — some of the people represented remained single. How does she use those stories without making them feel like cautionary tales or second-best outcomes?

1.How does Elliot describe the purpose of marriage? Is it primarily about companionship, personal fulfillment, or something else? What does she say it is for?

2.She argues that the habits of self-giving developed in singleness — surrender, discipline, honor, servanthood — are exactly the habits that make a marriage flourish. How does that reframe singleness as preparation rather than deprivation?

3.Ephesians 5 holds up Christ's love for the church as the model for a husband's love for his wife — a love that gives up everything for the beloved. How does that image reshape what we should be looking for in a spouse, and what we should be becoming ourselves?

1.How does Elliot bring together the various threads of the book in these final chapters? What does she say is the unifying theme beneath all of the specific counsel she has given?

2.The image of a grain of wheat "falling into the ground and dying" (John 12:24) is central to her conclusion. How does she apply that image to the experience of surrendering romantic desire? What must die, and what rises up in its place?

3.Elliot reflects on Jim's death and her own life of loss and remarriage. She does not present herself as someone who suffered perfectly or who always trusted gracefully. What does the honesty of her conclusion add to the credibility of her counsel throughout the book?

1.Which chapter or section of Passion and Purity had the greatest impact on you? What made it land so deeply — was it the argument, the story, the Scripture, or something personal it touched in you?

2.Elliot uses the concepts of commitment, integrity, honor, and servanthood as a kind of framework throughout the book. Which of these four words represents the biggest challenge for you personally, and why?

3.How has your understanding of sexual purity changed through reading this book? Is it larger, smaller, more personal, or differently motivated than when you started?