Book Club Questions for Relationship Goals

1.Todd opens by describing the social-media mirage of relationships — the polished photos and curated moments that make other couples' lives look perfect. When have you caught yourself comparing your relationships (or lack of one) to what you see online? What did that comparison do to you?

2.The book's core premise is that you won't reach a destination you haven't decided to aim for. In your own words, what does it mean to be intentional about your relationship goals rather than just letting relationships 'happen' to you?

3.Todd is candid that he wrote this book not as a perfect marriage expert but as someone who has done the hard work alongside his wife, Natalie. Why do you think his honesty about imperfection makes the message more — not less — credible?

1.Todd argues that before you can build healthy relationships with others, you have to do serious work on your relationship with yourself and with God. Why is it tempting to skip that inner work and jump straight to finding the right person?

2.He introduces the idea that many people are looking for the right person when they should be focused on becoming the right person. What's the practical difference between those two orientations? Which one describes where you've spent most of your energy?

3.Todd talks openly about personal baggage — past wounds, bad habits, and unhealed areas — that we bring into every relationship. What's one piece of 'luggage' you know you carry? How has it affected your closest relationships?

1.Todd draws a sharp distinction between recreational dating (dating for the experience, the feelings, or the company) and intentional dating (dating as a purposeful search for a life partner). In your own words, what is the key difference between the two?

2.He argues that recreational dating treats people like an amusement park — something to enjoy for a season and then move on from. Have you seen (or lived) that pattern? What does it do to the people involved?

3.Intentional dating, according to Todd, means knowing what you're looking for before you start looking. What qualities — spiritual, emotional, practical — are genuinely non-negotiable for you in a future spouse? Have you ever written that list down?

1.Todd makes the case that most people are praying for a person when God is trying to walk them through a process. What's the difference between praying for God to send someone and praying for God to prepare you? Which prayer feels more natural to you?

2.He draws on the story of Ruth and Boaz as a picture of preparation, faithfulness, and God's timing working together. What stands out to you about the way that story unfolds — particularly the fact that neither Ruth nor Boaz was passively waiting, nor frantically striving?

3.Todd talks about the danger of forcing a relationship to happen before you're ready — what he might describe as picking fruit before it's ripe. Have you ever pushed into a relationship before the timing was right? What did that cost you?

1.Todd is famous for using the acronym DTR — 'Define the Relationship.' Why do you think so many people are afraid to have that conversation? What is the emotional risk that makes clarity feel dangerous?

2.He maps out what healthy relational progression looks like — from friendship to courtship to engagement to marriage — and argues that skipping or rushing stages causes problems. Which stage do you think most people are most likely to rush, and why?

3.Todd warns against 'exclusive but undefined' relationships where two people are functionally together but neither has had the direct conversation. Have you ever been in that situation — or watched a friend live there? What kept the conversation from happening?

1.Todd reframes boundaries not as restrictions that limit your freedom but as protections that preserve what you value. How does that reframe change your gut reaction to the word 'boundaries'? Do you naturally see them as limiting or liberating?

2.He's honest that setting physical and emotional boundaries in a dating relationship is genuinely difficult — especially when feelings are strong. What makes it harder to hold boundaries when you're emotionally invested in someone?

3.Todd points out that many people set physical boundaries but neglect emotional boundaries — becoming deeply emotionally enmeshed with someone before commitment has been established. Have you seen (or experienced) emotional intimacy outpacing commitment? What does that look like and what does it cost?

1.Todd flips the cultural script by arguing that love doesn't lead to marriage — real love actually grows after marriage. What's your gut reaction to that claim? Does it match your experience or the experience of couples you respect?

2.He draws a distinction between the feeling of love (eros, romantic attraction) and the decision of love (agape, covenant commitment). Why is the feeling insufficient as a foundation for marriage? What happens in a marriage built primarily on feelings when those feelings fluctuate?

3.Todd uses 1 Corinthians 13 not as a wedding-day poem but as a practical job description for what love actually does day to day — it is patient, it is kind, it keeps no record of wrongs. Which characteristic on that list is hardest for you to live out in your closest relationship?

1.Todd opens this chapter by acknowledging that the Church has often done a poor job talking about sex — either pretending it doesn't exist or reducing it to a list of 'don'ts.' How has the way you received (or didn't receive) teaching on sex from the Church shaped your current attitudes toward it?

2.He argues that God invented sex, delights in it, and designed it to be extraordinary within marriage — pointing to the Song of Solomon as evidence. Does that idea surprise you? How does it change your understanding of sexual desire itself?

3.Todd explains that sex is not just a physical act but a spiritual and covenant act — a full giving of self that is meant to mirror and reinforce the marriage covenant. What are the implications of that view for sex outside of marriage?

1.Todd makes the case that we have severely undervalued friendship in our culture — treating it as a nice extra rather than an essential need. Do you agree? How intentional are you about building and maintaining deep friendships?

2.He argues that the best friendships have God at the center — that a shared pursuit of God is what gives friendships their depth, durability, and direction. What does a friendship with God at the center actually look like in practice? How is it different from a friendship where faith is just one topic among many?

3.Todd talks about the danger of isolation — how people who have no close, honest friendships are vulnerable to making terrible decisions and living with unnecessary pain. How isolated are you, really? Who in your life knows the full truth about you?

1.Looking back across the entire book, which chapter or concept hit you the hardest — the one that most challenged, surprised, or changed you? Why did that particular idea land so powerfully?

2.At the beginning of this study, you probably had certain assumptions or expectations about your relationships. How have those changed? What do you now understand about relationships — God's design for them, your own patterns in them — that you didn't before?

3.Todd's overarching argument is that God has better relationship goals for your life than you do, and that getting intentional about those goals makes all the difference. Has that thesis been proven to you over the course of this study — or do you still have doubts? Be specific.