Book Club Questions for The Four Loves

1.Lewis begins by distinguishing between 'need-love' and 'gift-love.' In your own words, what is the difference between the two?

2.Lewis also introduces a third category: 'appreciative love.' How does this differ from both need-love and gift-love, and why does he think it matters?

3.Lewis distinguishes between 'nearness by likeness' to God and 'nearness by approach' to God. What does he mean, and why does he argue that the first can actually be spiritually dangerous?

1.Lewis discusses our love of nature and warns against what he calls the 'nature mystic' who begins to treat nature as a route to the divine in itself. What is the genuine good in loving nature, and where does it go wrong?

2.He distinguishes between the 'country' as a place of personal memory and 'the nation' as a political abstraction. Why does this distinction matter morally and spiritually?

3.Lewis describes a healthy patriotism as a love for the familiar — the particular sights, smells, tastes, and customs of one's home — rather than pride in national superiority. How does that definition of patriotism strike you? Is it adequate?

1.Lewis describes Storge as a love that grows almost unbidden through sheer proximity — we come to love what is familiar. Can you think of a relationship in your own life that is primarily held together by Storge? What is it like?

2.Lewis says that affection is the least discriminating of the loves — it can exist between people who would never have chosen each other. Why does he see this as one of its great virtues rather than a weakness?

3.He describes Storge as 'the humblest and most widely diffused of loves,' one that often goes unnoticed precisely because it is so ordinary. Do you think ordinary love is undervalued in our culture? Why or why not?

1.Lewis famously describes the beginning of friendship as the moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too?' — the discovery of a shared insight, vision, or interest. Can you recall a friendship that began in something like this way? What was the 'What! You too?' moment?

2.He distinguishes sharply between friendship and companionship (the fellowship of people who simply do things together). Why does he insist on this distinction, and do you think it holds?

3.Lewis argues that true friendship is 'about something' — it is always oriented toward a shared truth, vision, or love that stands outside both friends. How does this 'third thing' model of friendship differ from the modern therapeutic model of friendship as primarily emotional support and self-disclosure?

1.Lewis distinguishes between 'Eros' (being in love) and 'Venus' (the sexual instinct). Why is this distinction important? Have you ever confused the two?

2.He argues that when Eros is genuine, the lover is uniquely interested not in 'a woman' but in 'the woman' — this particular, irreplaceable person. How does this particularity connect to the dignity and uniqueness of each human being made in God's image?

3.Lewis says that Eros has an inherent tendency toward permanence — lovers naturally say 'forever' — and he argues this makes the vow of marriage not an external imposition on Eros but its natural fulfillment. Do you find this persuasive? How does contemporary culture view the relationship between romantic love and lifelong commitment?

1.Lewis argues that the natural loves, left to themselves, are insufficient — they need to be 'completed, corrected, and cleansed' by Agape. In your own words, what does he mean, and do you agree?

2.He makes the striking claim that when the natural loves are operating at their best, they are already participating in something beyond themselves — they are anticipating and reflecting Agape without knowing it. Can you think of an example of this from your experience?

3.Lewis says that God does not simply want us to love each other with our natural loves; he wants his own love to flow through us to others. What is the difference between loving someone in your own strength and being a conduit for God's love? What does the latter feel like in practice?

1.Looking back at the four loves, which one do you find most natural and easy? Which one feels most foreign or challenging to you? Why?

2.Lewis insists that the natural loves are genuine goods — not to be disparaged — but that they must be subordinate to Agape. In your current relationships, which of your loves feels most rightly ordered? Which feels most disordered?

3.Is there a relationship in your life right now where a natural love has become too demanding or possessive — where it has moved from gift-love toward need-love in an unhealthy way? What would it look like to bring that love back into right order?

1.Which of the four loves — Storge, Philia, Eros, or Agape — did you find most illuminating to study? What did Lewis help you see about that love that you had not seen before?

2.Lewis's central thesis is that the natural loves are real goods but that they cannot sustain themselves — they need to be completed and corrected by divine love. Has your experience over the course of this study confirmed or complicated that thesis? Where do you find yourself agreeing or pushing back?

3.Is there a specific illustration, image, or quote from the book that has stayed with you — one that keeps coming back to mind? Share it with the group and explain why it has been so sticky for you.