Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Week 10: Chapter 9 — How to Get Your Spouse to Change (and the Surprising Truth About What Works)
Read Chapter 9 of Boundaries in Marriage. Key passages: Romans 2:4; 1 Peter 3:1–2.
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If you have picked up this book hoping to find a strategy for changing your spouse, this chapter delivers the honest, sometimes uncomfortable answer — and it may be the most liberating thing you read.
Discussion Questions
8 questions1.Cloud and Townsend open with a frank admission: you cannot change your spouse. Only God and your spouse can do that. How does fully accepting that reality change the way you approach your marriage? Does it feel like giving up, or like a relief?
2.The authors describe what happens when a spouse shifts from trying to control or rescue to simply living out their own values clearly — and how that shift often produces more change in the relationship than years of nagging or pleading. Can you think of a time when you changed your own behavior and it unexpectedly shifted the dynamic with your spouse or another person?
3.Romans 2:4 says it is God's kindness that leads to repentance. Cloud and Townsend apply this to marriage: genuine warmth, love, and respect are more likely to create conditions for change than criticism or pressure. Is there an area where you have been applying pressure and getting resistance? What might happen if you tried consistent kindness instead?
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