Discussion question your group will work through:
1.Kolber opens by describing a culture that preaches a "try harder" gospel — keep going, keep performing, keep pretending you're fine. Where have you encountered this message most loudly in your own life?
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About This Study Guide
Try Softer by Aundi Kolber is a book for the exhausted, the overfunctioning, and the burned out — which, if we're honest, describes most of us. Drawing on her training as a licensed therapist and her own hard-won story of healing, Kolber challenges the "try harder" gospel that tells us to push through, numb out, and keep performing. In its place, she offers something both countercultural and deeply Christian: the invitation to try softer. Through a rich integration of neuroscience, attachment theory, somatic (body-based) therapy, and Christian spirituality, Kolber shows how God designed our minds and bodies to work together — and how learning to listen to both is not self-indulgence but sacred work. The book's core argument is that many of us are living in chronic survival mode, cut off from our emotions, our bodies, and our truest selves, and that real transformation requires curiosity, compassion, and the willingness to feel what we've been running from.
This study guide is designed for use over ten weeks — one week per chapter, plus a final Review & Reflection week. Each week, you are encouraged to read the assigned chapter before your group meets (or before you sit down to journal individually). As you read, mark passages that surprise you, challenge you, or resonate deeply. Bring those observations into your discussion. The questions move from comprehension ("What is Kolber actually saying here?") to application ("Where do I see this in my own life?") to reflection ("How does this connect to the God who made me?"). Some questions invite you to try one of Kolber's practical exercises — consider actually doing them rather than just reading about them.
Whether you are working through this book in a small group, with a trusted friend, or on your own, come with gentleness toward yourself. Kolber is insistent that the healing journey is not about arriving at perfection but about showing up with honesty and compassion. You may find some chapters stir up emotions you didn't expect — that is not a sign something is wrong; it is often a sign the material is doing exactly what it should. Give yourself permission to go at the pace you need. The goal is not to finish the book faster, but to begin to live differently — more connected, more present, more free.
11-Week Schedule
- Week 1Introduction — The Try Softer Invitation7 questions
- Week 2Chapter 1 — Permission to Be Human7 questions
- Week 3Chapter 2 — Your Story Matters7 questions
- Week 4Chapter 3 — Your Body Keeps the Score7 questions
- Week 5Chapter 4 — Attachment: How We Learn to Love7 questions
- Week 6Chapter 5 — Emotions as Information7 questions
- Week 7Chapter 6 — The Inner Critic and Self-Compassion7 questions
- Week 8Chapter 7 — Boundaries as Belonging7 questions
- Week 9Chapter 8 — The Gentle Life7 questions
- Week 10Chapter 9 — Try Softer: Putting It All Together7 questions
- Week 11Review & Reflection8 questions
Week 1: Introduction — The Try Softer Invitation
Free sampleRead the Introduction of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.Kolber opens by describing a culture that preaches a "try harder" gospel — keep going, keep performing, keep pretending you're fine. Where have you encountered this message most loudly in your own life?
a.Was it in your family of origin, your workplace, your church, or somewhere else?
b.What did it cost you to keep living by that message?
2.How does Kolber define "trying softer"? In your own words, what is she inviting us into — and what is she not saying (i.e., what is the difference between trying softer and simply giving up or checking out)?
3.Kolber identifies herself as both a therapist and someone who has walked through her own story of pain and healing. How does her dual role — professional and personal — shape the way you receive her voice in this book?
4.She argues that many of us are disconnected from our bodies, our emotions, and our truest selves. Does this ring true for you? What does "being disconnected from yourself" actually look or feel like in daily life?
5.Kolber frames healing as "sacred work" and grounds it theologically in the idea that God designed our bodies and minds to work together. How does this reframe the way you think about therapy, self-care, or emotional work — particularly if you've ever been taught that such things are self-indulgent or unspiritual?
6.What do you hope to gain from this book and this study? What is one honest fear or reservation you bring to it?
7.Kolber describes the try softer life as "a living, breathing, moving, feeling, connected, beautifully incarnational life." What word in that description most captures what you are longing for right now? Why?
Week 2: Chapter 1 — Permission to Be Human
Read Chapter 1 of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.Kolber argues that many of us have absorbed the message — from family, church, culture — that our needs and emotions are burdens or signs of weakness. Where did you first learn to minimize your own humanity? What was the context?
Week 3: Chapter 2 — Your Story Matters
Read Chapter 2 of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.Kolber distinguishes between "big T" trauma (overwhelming, acute events) and "little t" trauma (chronic, relational wounds that may not look dramatic from the outside). Had you encountered this distinction before? How does it expand your understanding of what counts as a wound worth paying attention to?
Week 4: Chapter 3 — Your Body Keeps the Score
Read Chapter 3 of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.Kolber explains how the nervous system — particularly the autonomic nervous system — responds to threat in ways that are automatic and below conscious awareness. Before reading this chapter, how aware were you of your own nervous system's activity? Did this chapter change or deepen your understanding?
Week 5: Chapter 4 — Attachment: How We Learn to Love
Read Chapter 4 of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.Kolber explains the four main attachment styles: secure, anxious/preoccupied, avoidant/dismissive, and disorganized/fearful. How does she describe each one? Which resonates most with patterns you recognize in yourself?
Week 6: Chapter 5 — Emotions as Information
Read Chapter 5 of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.Kolber challenges the idea that emotions are simply reactions to be controlled and reframes them as information. What does she mean by that? What would it look like, practically, to treat an uncomfortable emotion as a messenger rather than a problem?
Week 7: Chapter 6 — The Inner Critic and Self-Compassion
Read Chapter 6 of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.How does Kolber describe the "inner critic"? Where does she say it typically comes from? Does her description match what you experience internally?
Week 8: Chapter 7 — Boundaries as Belonging
Read Chapter 7 of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.How does Kolber define healthy boundaries? How is her definition different from the way "boundaries" are sometimes talked about — as a way of protecting yourself from others or asserting your rights?
Week 9: Chapter 8 — The Gentle Life
Read Chapter 8 of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.Kolber describes the try softer life as less of a destination and more of an ongoing orientation — a daily practice of returning to yourself, your body, and your God. How is this different from the way we often approach personal growth or spiritual formation (as a problem to be solved or a goal to be achieved)?
Week 10: Chapter 9 — Try Softer: Putting It All Together
Read Chapter 9 (and any Conclusion) of Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
1.Kolber ends the book by returning to her central thesis: that we were made for a living, breathing, moving, feeling, connected, incarnational life. Looking back over the whole book, which of these words — living, breathing, moving, feeling, connected, incarnational — most names what you have been missing? Why?
Week 11: Review & Reflection
Review your notes from Try Softer by Aundi Kolber. No new reading is required this week.
1.Looking back across all nine chapters, which one had the most significant impact on you? What was it about that chapter's content — or what it stirred in you — that made it land so powerfully?
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This study guide covers Try Softer in 11 weeks, with chapter-by-chapter discussion questions, reading references, and closing prayers for each session.
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The complete guide includes 78 discussion questions across 11 weeks — an average of 7 questions per week, designed for group conversation.
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