His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr.
Week 1: Introduction — Why Marriages Fail and How They Can Be Saved
Read the Introduction of His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr.
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Before diving into the needs themselves, Harley lays out a vision for what a truly affair-proof marriage looks like — and why so many marriages fall dangerously short of it. Take time this week to sit with his opening diagnosis before rushing to the prescription.
Discussion Questions
8 questions1.Harley opens by stating that affairs are almost always the result of unmet needs, not moral failure alone. Did that framing surprise you, challenge you, or resonate with you? Why?
2.How does Harley define the concept of the "Love Bank"? In your own words, what does it mean for your spouse's Love Bank to be "full" versus "overdrawn"?
3.Harley argues that most couples enter marriage deeply "in love" — meaning each person's Love Bank is full — but that this state erodes over time when needs go unmet. Does this match your own experience or observation? What do you think causes that erosion most often?
4.The book's subtitle is "Building an Affair-Proof Marriage." What assumptions do you bring to that phrase?
a.Do you believe a marriage can be truly affair-proof? Why or why not?
b.Does thinking about your marriage in those terms feel hopeful, or does it feel anxiety-inducing? What does your reaction reveal?
5.Harley says that when a person's emotional needs are consistently met by someone other than their spouse — even innocently at first — the conditions for an affair are already forming. How does this challenge the common assumption that affairs are purely a matter of a person's character or choices?
6.Even before reading about the specific needs, do you have a sense of what your own top emotional needs in marriage are? What about your spouse's? How confident are you that you know them accurately?
7.Harley writes from a counseling background and has worked with hundreds of couples in crisis. How does knowing the book comes from real marital struggles — not just theory — affect how you approach it?
8.What is one thing you are hoping to learn, understand, or experience differently by the end of this study?
Closing Prayer
Lord, we come to this study acknowledging that every marriage — including ours — has gaps between what we need and what we actually give each other. We confess that we are often better at identifying what we are not receiving than at examining what we are not giving. Open our eyes this week to see our spouse's Love Bank honestly — not to condemn ourselves, but to be changed. Give us courage to be truthful, humility to hear hard things, and hope that marriages really can be made stronger. Amen.
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